Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
