ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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