So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
