theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
