i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
