Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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