are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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