I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
