I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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