What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
