i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
