glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
