pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
