My first STD was from a foam party
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
