Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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