last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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