I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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