I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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