We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
