My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
