You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
