mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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