sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
