WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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