she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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