Just cropdusted the office
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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