I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
