I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
