Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
