You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
