Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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