oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
