i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We need to get me chipped asap
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
