Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
