really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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