If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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