she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
