I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Randomize
