i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Four minutes until I can fart!
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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