I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
