hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
