If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
The air taste purple.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
