I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
