I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
