I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
