I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
you inspire me to be a worse person
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
