What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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