Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
