god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
