I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
