I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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