She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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